Janitor Finds Republican Debate Questions

CLEVELAND—A janitor tidying up the venue of the first Republican primary debate conducted by Fox News discovered a list of questions that appear to have been left by the debate’s moderators. Most interesting were the questions on the list that were not asked, probably due to time constraints. Some of those questions are listed below.

• Governor Huckabee: You are very Christian-y. The members of the Westboro Baptist Church also claim to be Christians and have expressed their hatred for gays and protest the funerals of fallen soldiers. How can you assure the American people that you won’t round up and execute gay people as President of the United States, and how can our servicemen and women trust you as Commander-In-Chief?

• Senator Rubio: Being President of the United States is a very demanding job, requiring attention to detail and careful planning. It was widely seen by many that you are not equipped for the job when you had to stop and take a drink of bottled water when delivering the Republican response to the State of the Union Address. How do you answer your critics to demonstrate that you are, indeed, ready to be President of the United States and will be appropriately hydrated while carrying out the duties of the office?

• Senator Cruz: A two-part question. It has been reported that you were born in Calgary, Canada. How can you claim that you meet the eligibility clause of the United States Constitution? Also, you renounced your Canadian citizenship in 2014. Canada is the fifth largest oil producing country in the world. How can the American people be sure that, given your antipathy towards Canada, you will not drag the United States into yet another war with our neighbors to the North which spills blood for oil?

• Mr. Trump: Can you now, unequivocally, pledge to the American people that you will stop eating live children?

• Dr. Carson: Very few people realize that your full name is Benjamin Solomon Carson. Your middle name, Solomon, was a Biblical king who once recommended splitting a baby in half. Isn’t it, therefore, hypocritical of you to criticize Planned Parenthood’s health services for women?

• Governor Christie: How would you convince the American public that your presidency would not undo all of the work First Lady Michelle Obama has done to encourage healthier eating?

• Governor Walker: On the way to a recent campaign stop in Philadelphia, you stopped to use the restroom at a gas station owned by a man named Elmer Whitaker. Mr. Whitaker’s podiatrist has openly supported legalization of marijuana on his Facebook account. How can you, in good faith, oppose legalization while frequenting such establishments?

• Senator Paul: Your father is the famed Libertarian, Ron Paul. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever heard him say?

• Governor Bush: Opponents of your brother’s presidency were fond of saying “Bush lied, people died”. If elected President of the United States will you lie to make people die?

• Governor Kasich: You support voter ID laws that many consider harmful to minorities, you support severe restrictions on abortion, you pushed voucher schools in your state, and you opposed gay marriage. We are looking for a one-word answer here. Which do you hate most?
  A. Black people
  B. Women
  C. Children
  D. Gay people