Hillary to Fix Email Problems

WASHINGTON—In the wake of attacks from radical right wing extremist Republicans, Hillary Clinton has vowed to address any concerns the public may have about her use of a private email server while serving as Secretary of State.

“While I maintain that I did nothing wrong or illegal,” Clinton said, “I do understand the concern that classified data could be compromised. We tried to alleviate these concerns by locating the server in my home with a backup in Colorado under a very nondescript domain name – clintonemail.com.”

In concert with Mrs. Clinton’s statement, and in an attempt to reassure the public, her presidential campaign released the information control plan and guidelines that would be followed by a Clinton administration. The key points of the plan are given below.

• Email will no longer be used for communication because the Republicans have ruined it for everyone
• Official White House domestic policy business will be carried out on Facebook using only secure browsers. Clinton will post using her account “Hillary Rodham Clinton” (username: iam.not.tammy.wynette). All administration staffers will take an oath to only share classified information with friends and never “friends of friends” or “public”.
• Foreign policy business, such as diplomatic briefings with foreign heads of state, will be conducted over Twitter. Mrs. Clinton will tweet from her “Prez Clinton” account (@resetbutton), and all classified communications will be marked with the hashtag #TopSecretStuff.
• Classified audiovisual data, such as military satellite imagery, will only be exchanged over secure HTTPS via Mrs. Clinton’s Instagram account (hilldawgspics).

Clinton’s primary opponent in contention for the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders, shrugged off the controversy and stated that a Sanders administration would avoid any such problems by using his preferred form of secure communication – carrier pigeons.