Where They Stand: Bernie Sanders

| July 28, 2015 | Feature, Politics | No Comments
Photo by nordique
Photo by nordique

We are dedicated to providing our progressive readership with the information they need to be informed for the 2016 elections. The “Where They Stand” series will give you the tools you need to choose the next President of the United States.

Ideology: Democratic Socialism – a political ideology that advocates central control of citizens’ lives while pretending not to

Demographic Characteristics: Not a single one that is appealing to progressives. He is Wonder Bread white.

Primary Opponent: Life Expectancy

Economic Plan: Grecian Formula

Frizzled Hair Wingspan: 2 feet

Favorite Movie: Weekend at My House

Pros:

  • It may lessen the sting for the Israelis if a Jewish President of the United States presides over their destruction
  • Strongly supports the sale of baby parts and would most likely set price caps so even those making $15 per hour minimum wage could purchase them
  • Never having held a steady real job in his life, he is unencumbered with biases that would hinder his ability to manage job creation policy
  • He may poll well with independents, having lied about being one for years
  • He is the most qualified Democrat candidate to address climate change, having lived through the last ice age.
  • He polls well with African Americans in his own state. 75% of the four African Americans living in Vermont have already pledged their votes to Sanders.
  • Probability of surviving his term as President increased by not relying on VA hospitals
  • Surprisingly, he’s not as crazy as the people in Vermont who keep electing him

Cons:

  • His candidacy has been under constant attack by ruthless opponents, namely Math and Basic Economics
  • Often mistaken for Colonel Sanders
  • He actually admits to being a socialist, unlike other Democratic candidates, which may be off-putting to voters
  • He may strain diplomatic dialogue with Iran because it will be difficult for the Iranians to determine if they want to kill him because he is an American or because he is Jewish
  • Reminiscent of the creepy uncle who likes to pull coins from your ears
  • His name is “Bernie”.