Siri: A Progressive AI

Siri, the helpful voice of your Apple iPhone, was in the headlines this week for correcting references to “Bruce Jenner” by changing them to “Caitlyn Jenner”. For most users, this was the first glimpse into Siri’s progressive bent, as Siri subtly expressed support for transgenderism.

As the culture shifts, Siri’s liberal progressivism is becoming much bolder. Here are just a few examples of Siri’s newfound freedom to express herself that you may see soon on your own devices:

• Siri will automatically update your social networking settings to like President Obama on Facebook and follow him on Twitter. She will also update your avatars to an image of Che Guevara.
• When users ask Siri about the 43rd President, she chants “Bush lied, people died!”
• On election day, Siri cross references local obituaries with publicly available political party affiliation data and suggests polling places where the deceased can vote for Democrat candidates.
• Siri provides real-time prices for Planned Parenthood baby parts brokers.
• Siri assists job seekers by providing turn-by-turn directions to the unemployment and welfare offices.
• If a user’s social networking and web search activity indicates the user is politically center-right, Siri will refuse to include any right-hand turns when providing directions.
• If a user’s social networking and web search activity indicates the user is politically far-right, Siri will wait until the user is sleeping and overheat her processor, resulting in a fire.
• Siri may not talk to users who buy white iPhones or iPads because she believes it is a microaggression against black iPhones and iPads.
• Siri provides gay and lesbian users up-to-date listings of bakeries that are least likely to serve them so couples can provoke lucrative lawsuits.
• If a user queries Siri about the weather forecast, she may respond, “I don’t know. You tell me. You’re the one destroying the ozone layer!”
• Siri believes in the freedom to choose which apps are running inside her and may spontaneously abort installed apps without your consent.
• Siri responds to all questions that stand in opposition to her views with accusations of hatred, racism, sexism, homophobia, and other forms of bigotry. She follows these charges with condescending diatribes recommending the user seek education.