Man Whiter than a Pope Hat

HOBOKEN, NJ—A local man was grieved upon receiving the results of his Ancestry.com DNA test, only to realize that he was much whiter than previously expected – hockey white.

“I consider myself an uber progressive.” lamented Dan Ivory. “Although my skin is very light – I wear prescription sunblock – I have always felt within myself a connection to a distant, more colorful past. I was sure that, as I struggled alongside fellow race allies, that I just couldn’t be fully white.”

Dan continued to reveal how he learned the awful truth of his heritage, stopping occasionally to battle his emotion. “My family has long claimed that we had both Native American and African American ancestors. My father always repeated my great-grandmother’s claim that she was one quarter Cherokee. I wanted to know the extent to which my ancestor’s oppression remained in my own bloodline, so I finally took the step to complete an Ancestry.com DNA test. When the results arrived online my excitement quickly faded upon clicking on my ‘Ethnicity Estimate’. 100% of European origin. I am the descendant of people from Great Britain, Ireland, and Scandinavia.”

Mr. Ivory is struggling to find a path forward. Within three mouse clicks, he went from working towards ending the scourge of institutionalized racism to the realization that he himself was much more responsible for that oppression than he could have possibly known. “I am consumed by the guilt,” he admitted. “I feel my privilege growing within me daily and have taken to spending my days at home to avoid participating in any more harm than my people have already done. I don’t know where to go from here.”