Obama and Kerry Win Iran Nuke Deal

VIENNA—U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry finalized a historic deal with Iran aimed at curbing Iranian nuclear programs that could result in a nuclear-armed Iran.

The debates over the deal were long and often contentious, but culminated in a major foreign policy victory for the United States. Iran finally buckled under pressure by the U.S. and conceded to a deal that was far less than Iranian President Rouhani had hoped for. In summary, Iran was compelled to agree to the following conditions:

• International sanctions would be lifted, allowing Iran access to billions of dollars.
• Iran can continue its nuclear programs but was forced to pinky swear that they will not use them to develop nuclear weapons.
• Iran may continue its ballistic missile program to develop missiles that won’t carry the nuclear warheads they promise not to create.
• National inspectors will be given access to verify Iran’s compliance with the agreement at times and places of Iran’s choosing. They have already agreed to inspections at the visitor center and men’s restrooms of the Carpet Museum as well as the outdoor seating location of Mahmoud’s Non-Pork Hot Dogs.
• If Iran chooses to lie and pursue nuclear weapons anyway, they have agreed to do it very slowly.
• Iran has agreed that chants of “Death to America” and “Death to Israel” will be delivered with less enthusiasm and are no longer permitted to be followed by the sound “lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee!”
• Secretary of State Kerry will furnish Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javi Zarif with a lifetime supply of ketchup and, henceforth and forever more, cross his legs like a woman.
• Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei must give President Obama his Mickey Mantle rookie card, two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pencil erasers, and a super bouncy ball.