BREAKING: ENQUIRER Reveals Trump Secrets

WASHINGTON—The political world was rocked Saturday morning when the National Enquirer released a story purported to reveal long-kept secrets of Donald J. Trump, frontrunner in the contentious Republican presidential nomination battle.

Trump is no stranger to scandal, but the latest allegations are unlike any ever brought to light about the billionaire real-estate mogul. Five anonymous sources are rumored to be engaged in torrid affairs with the Trump campaign and have spoken to the Enquirer. Among the salacious accusations are charges that Mr. Trump is a Republican, exercises great self-control, has detailed implementation plans for his policy positions, and is fully capable of behaving like a civilized human being.

The article features photos of the five unnamed sources, but they have been modified to protect their identities. That did not stop Twitter users from allegedly determining the identities of at least two of the sources, Dr. Ben Carson, who was also named in the article, and Fox News host Sean Hannity.

When asked about whether he participated in the Enquirer article, Dr. Carson replied, “I think we all have a civic duty to ensure a more civil discourse in our politics that extends beyond the career politicians in a manner that is sufficient to ameliorate any barriers between we, the people, and the government that was intended by the founding fathers to serve us and better enable us to use ‘these hands’ to serve one another.”

Sean Hannity flatly denied being one of the anonymous sources, stating that he is not supporting any campaign and would not have any inside knowledge. “I give equal time to both Mr. Trump and Cruz,” Hannity asserted. “I have Senator Cruz on for a full hour so we can discuss Donald Trump, and then I’ll have Mr. Trump on for an hour on the eve of Republican primary election days to discuss why people oppose him and don’t want to make America great again.”

The Cruz campaign was quick to speak out and deny any semblance of wrongdoing. In a prepared statement, Senator Cruz said, “Look. I don’t know if the allegations are true. I hope they are, but I have my doubts. I can, however, assure you neither I nor my campaign had anything to do with pushing this story. Donald is going to be Donald, and this problem with the Enquirer is fully Donald’s to deal with.”

Meanwhile, the Trump campaign appeared to be reeling from the story. Mr. Trump is reportedly long-time friends with David Pecker – head man at the Enquirer, but it appeared the Trump campaign was given no forewarning. Trump did not release a statement but was questioned by a reporter about the story at a press event. He responded as follows:

“I haven’t read it. I don’t know if I said the things it said I said because I haven’t read it. If they were good things I probably said them. Frankly, if the things were bad, you know. Bad, bad things. They probably came from Lyin’ Ted. I don’t know. Nobody would see it anyway. Terrible magazine. Their circulation is way down. Way down. Believe me.”

It remains to be seen whether these Trump “secrets” are true. There is certainly no solid evidence yet to corroborate them, but the story nonetheless has added another wrinkle to the wild ride that is the 2016 Republican nomination race.