Clinton Yelling Stressing Staffers

NASHUA, NH—Sources inside Hillary Clinton’s 2016 Presidential campaign told reporters Wednesday that Mrs. Clinton’s voice has been a source of frustration among the campaign’s staffers. “It has been quite challenging”, intimated an unnamed advisor to Clinton. “During speeches she begins each point in a… well… normal voice, speaking clearly, but then her voice gets louder and louder. By the time she actually makes her point, she is yelling so loudly… it sounds like two cats glued to the back of a goat being fed into a wood chipper. The audiences at campaign stops often looked confused because they don’t understand who she’s yelling at. It’s a problem.”

The problem is not limited to stump speeches according to young volunteer. “It’s just not her speech voice”, he said. “She’ll ask me to go get lunch for the staff or canvas a neighborhood, but if I don’t see her coming it scares the living crap out of me. I think I’ve been having heart palpitations.”

A fellow staffer agreed, “Yes, it makes it difficult sometimes. We were working the phones the other day and her yelling from a restroom conversation was so loud that the supporter on the phone asked me if everything was okay. It’s not all bad”, she continued. “We have taken advantage of the situation a few times for hailing cabs or ordering fast food while on the road. We were walking the street at one stop and suddenly realized three wild-looking dogs were approaching and snarling at us. We tried to stay calm and asked Hillary her thoughts about Planned Parenthood funding. I swear she only got three words out before they turned tail and were in full sprint, whimpering down the road.”