DNC Clarifies Which Lives Matter

WASHINGTON—At the Netroots Nation conference this Saturday in Phoenix, Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley angered demonstrators by stating “Black lives matter. White lives matter. All lives matter.” O’Malley apologized later that day saying, “That was a mistake on my part and I meant no disrespect.”

The Democratic National Committee was quick to control the damage caused by O’Malley’s insensitive statements. A DNC spokesperson stressed that “O’Malley’s comments in no way reflect the values of the DNC. The candidate simply misspoke and did not mean to suggest that white lives or all lives matter.”

To further ease the minds of progressives who were alarmed by what many considered to be extremist statements by O’Malley, the DNC also released a press statement clarifying which lives do matter. This is a good first step to assure progressives that the DNC is not out of touch with its base. The list of lives that matter from the DNC press release are given below.

• Black lives
• Hispanic lives, if they are in the U.S. illegally and agree to vote for Democrat candidates in exchange for promises of amnesty
• The lives of criminals sentenced to death
• The lives of deceased individuals who vote Democrat
• The lives of dogs at puppy mills, polar bears, caribou in ANWR, and the Georgia Pigtoe Mussel
• The lives of misunderstood individuals who wish to peaceably practice their religion but demonstrate animosity towards the U.S. as a result of our country’s oppressive foreign policy practices (often referred to as “Islamic terrorists” by right wing hate groups)
• The lives of people who theoretically might be helped from experimentation requiring baby parts (the lives of the blobs of tissue from which the intact baby parts are extracted do not matter)
• The lives of people who need sanctuary cities because they are in violation of oppressive U.S. law
• The life of John Hinckley, who attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan
• The lives of LGBQT individuals and those who self-identify differently than expected by society (except Rachel Dolezal)
• The lives of people who request doctor-assisted-suicide (momentarily)
• The lives of people who have been killed by firearms (except in Chicago)
• The lives of people who need affordable healthcare (to the extent practical within budgetary guidelines, long-term prognosis, actuarial assessments, and political affiliations)
• All lives, but only within the context of mass extinction events predicted within the next 5 years due to the man-made climate crisis
• The lives of people who are being denied a living wage despite being really awesome at flipping hamburgers