Hostage Crisis at the ESPYS

LOS ANGELES—BREAKING NEWS: Hundreds of athletes have been taken hostage at the ESPY Awards Show. An eerie awkwardness appeared to consume the auditorium when it became apparent on the live television feed that the event had been hijacked.

The captor has been identified as ESPN. Their demands seem to be limited to being allowed to make a political statement. The athletes seem to be complying in uncomfortable silence with polite applause at the appropriate queues.

We will update you on any developments in the situation.