The Danger of Fireworks

SULFUR, NV—The danger of fireworks has once again been underscored following the death of an area man.

Jim Nincompupe and friends were drinking heavily and using marijuana over the recent Fourth of July holiday. They then decided to take their merriment to the road. According to witnesses, the revelers were driving south on Route 338 at approximately 80 miles per hour, operating 2 pickup trucks side-by-side in both the northbound and southbound lanes. Mr. Nincompupe was straddling the roofs of both vehicles. It was then that he ignited a Roman candle that he had placed in his rectum. His friends told police that sparks from the firework landed on the victim’s buttocks, causing him to lose balance and fall from the vehicles to his untimely death.

A spokesperson for a national progressive organization seeking a ban on all consumer fireworks stated, “Jim’s tragic death is a horrific reminder of the danger of fireworks. These devices are much too dangerous to be in the hands of the public.”